I have been meaning to write for a few days but as always laziness got in the way. Then in a stroke of luck I got COVID !! How I got it is still a mystery but as always the forced isolation gave me time to think about things..
Let’s start with the COVID story- I survived the first two waves unscathed. New Year I spent in Lucknow, went to Pilani to drop my son, came back to Lucknow before finally returning to Ahmedabad. Tested negative before going to Pilani.. From Pilani I caught something new.. A week in Ahmedabad and I got an itch in my throat which I attributed to my drinking cold water and cold dinner.. Thought it would go away in a day or two but that wasn’t to be.. On the night of the second day pain flared up and my throat was massively hurting.. I thought this was a seasonal flu and started as all Indians on a course of antibiotics plus paracetamol plus broncho dilator plus anti histamine!!!! I had a nagging thought that this might be COIVD so got myself tested (RT PCR) and the next day got the news.. COVID Positive.. CT 16……
Anyway that got me thinking and I recalled a recent interaction I had with a doctor. A bit of a background… I have been diagnosed with a rather difficult eye condition because of which I have lost a bit of my right eye vision. The loss of vision happened in a short span of 2 months from me recognising that there was a problem to the problem being diagnosed. Unfortunately the condition is irreversible.. So what’s lost is lost and the line of treatment is to save what’s there…..
Now the interesting thing about this condition is that it never progresses rapidly and has to be present for years together to cause any lasting damage but for me as I mentioned this deterioration was over a period of 2/3 months at most. I have consulted 6 Eye Specialists till date (2 in Mumbai, 1 in Ahmedabad, 3 in Lucknow). All very competent and extremely well renowned in their field. The first 5, all agreed on the line of treatment but were silent on why I developed the problem in the first place. It’s not that I didn’t ask them but the response was that the problem was already there and perhaps I missed the signs… It’s only the 6th doctor who in the first meeting itself raised the question of why did I get this problem? He seemed genuinely intrigued and wanted to understand as much as I wanted to.. He also was the first doctor who methodically cross verified the medical files from my previous visits to other doctors and collated the information in one place… The reason why I had scheduled this visit was that I was concerned that my vision loss was progressing while what the reports were actually showing there was a slight improvement in my vision!!!!
The cause still needs to be investigated and that would be done in my next round of visit.. He changed the medications I was on and prescribed some additional ones… The main point of writing about this was that this was the first time I thought that the doctor empathised with my condition.. I was still a subject with a problem but was a subject who needed answers and reassurance.. He by not rushing me through the tests and consultation gave me all the time I needed, gave me all the information I needed… For the first time I felt a sense of satisfaction from my consultation… I felt safe.. No he isn’t the best doctor in the field.. He himself told me so.. But I am sure he is the best doctor for me because he cared and he understood…
The main point here is that I felt understood. And that is what psychologist have come to believe is the most important thing in any relationship- understanding.. We look at people who are caring and validating and accepting us a person, we want people on the other side to know who we are.. Love and care doesn’t work if there is no understanding. If someone’s understanding of me is different than how I understand myself, then when someone says they love me what they are saying is that they love someone different- and not me.. Similarly if someone were to appreciate me for something I am not then the feedback would sound inauthentic. There is research to show medical care works best when the patient feels that the doctor are really listening and understand what their symptoms are and what their needs are.. If we go through the motions of life with a feeling of not being understood either by family, friend or colleagues, we would sooner or later snap. We need to be understood because it makes us feel connected and gives us a sense of coherence. If I feel that I am accepted for who I am, I am more at a liberty of being myself…
The idea of achieving understanding relationships is common but I guess also confused. Having understanding relationships doesn’t mean you agree, like, or have to go along with what someone else is saying or feeling. You don’t have to “get it” or “feel it” to accept and understand. In understanding relationships, you can empathise with the other person, make space for them to think and feel the way that they do, and respect that what they’re experiencing is about them and not about you. The importance of understanding in relationships goes far beyond the surface and is the key to unlocking a lot of other important parts of a great relationship. And its not only about personal relationships.. Its about any relationship.. Being understood simply means being seen and being heard.. And for this we need to get our communication right.. And as is often the case, communication is more often than not about listening than speaking…
So what makes for a good communication — listening with curiosity instead of judgement and making an effort to understand before trying to make oneself understood….
This brings me to another facet of interaction about how poor communication makes or breaks anything.. A simple word can have different meaning and connotation depending upon the context that it’s used in.. Reminds me of an offer I had got from a company (in my last avatar) I was really looking forward to work with.. But the mere reading of the offer so shook me that there was no way I could say yes to it.. It started in what I felt was a rather haughty manner of informing me that I was “selected” for a role.. There were no congratulations or words to the effect saying that we are happy to inform etc.. It coldly said that would like to inform you based on the interactions you have had that you have been selected for the said role… So this put me off majorly…. Without going into other details the so called offer letter went about stating things which simply raised red flags for me….Reading the email, I realised that I didn’t “ trust” the company and was pretty sure this wasn’t the place for me…
Then there was another interesting bit of conversation with another company around the same time.. They wanted to interview for a role and had formed a panel for the same.. The panel was basically the top 4 representatives in the country of the said organisation… Now the way this conversation went, it felt I was interviewing them rather than they interviewing me.. Within 15 minutes the panel had exhausted their set of questions which they wanted to ask.. From experience this happens when you have already decided on the candidate and are just going through motions.. Forget the fact that this is a waste of everyone’s time.. People also forget another basic thing about these interactions… Any interaction is a two way street.. You are judging and are being judged at the same time.. For the moment you might think I am beholden to you because you might recommend me but rest be assured I am taking my own notes and making a judgement about you.. So irrespective of how the organisation touts itself to be a great place to work and so and so forth, my impression of them is forever marred by my interaction with their leadership.
Going back to the earlier company which again is featured on the great places to work list…The point of writing was to generally comment about poor communication and also state that between the company and an individual all the power resides with the company. And more often than not the individual has to fend for himself… Company safeguards itself by hiding behind company policies, by vetting the candidate by reference checks, by shamelessly asking for salary details even when they have no intention of even matching forget giving a raise, by forcing the candidate to go through psychometric profiling and what not…. All this so that they can give an offer which is rather poor!!! … When I was speaking with the consultant who was acting as a go-between, she mentioned how another individual was offered similar conditions and didn’t seem to mind… Really!!!! I was just shocked to hear this.. What this conveyed to me was an utter lack of self awareness and inability to look beyond their blinkered vision… How can one say we have precedence and be brazen about it.. Just because you got away doing something which might not have been correct doesn’t give you to the license to keep doing it…. Earlier I used to look down upon being vociferous about my expectations thinking that companies would be generous enough.. But the truth is that if I don’t watch out for my interest no one would…
Anyway all these small things add up to gave me a picture of what the organisation was truly like… And it is sad, very few of us are capable of listening to a divergent point of view, of trying to appreciate other’s position.. Our thoughts progress when we are challenged.. Thesis- Antithesis- Synthesis.. We are so caught up in I am Okay and You aren’t Okay.. My father introduced me to Berne and transaction analysis… Most of my reading habit and what I read growing up owes a huge debt of gratitude to him.. Living in small places books were my windows to the world.
I am digressing, coming back to my interaction with the company and what I believed was an example of poor communication, of not making an effort to understand my position….. Not once during the back and forth did the company ask me a very simple question- what can we do to make this work? We have so lost the art of communication, of holding a meaningful and insightful conversations… The pandemic has made it worse.. We think messages are a substitute for a heart to heart talk. Off late telephone etiquettes have gone to dog.. Earlier when someone called unannounced one would always enquire if it was the right time to speak.. Now the mere fact that you have answered the phone is taken as license to hold a long conversation.. Anyway we have become much poorer as human beings.. The more apart we remain the more we become pale reflections of what we were…
I think one thing that this pandemic keeps teaching me is about how the time that we have is now.. And only now matters… The concept of tomorrow and planning for tomorrow seems more like a mirage… If today is all we have then the only way to live would be to accept what one has been given…
“How do we end suffering? By accepting everything, exactly as it is. Hearing that is like a knife in the heart. Inside we shriek, no! … In fact, there is no choice other than accepting everything exactly as it is, because everything is exactly as it is. It is as simple as that. There is nowhere else to go.” –Cheri Huber
Acceptance requires in someway overcoming regret… Regret is a very real reaction that we have to disappointing event in our life, a choice we made that can’t be changed, something we said that we can’t take back. It’s one of those feelings we can’t seem to shake, a heavy and intrusive negative emotion that can last for minutes, days, years or even a lifetime.
Dealing with regret is even more difficult because of the other negative emotions connected to it: remorse, sorrow and helplessness. Regret can increase our stress, negatively affect physical health and throw off the balance of hormone and immune systems. Regret is not only unpleasant. It is unhealthy..
We can help release these feelings of regret by practicing self-compassion. This means reminding oneself that we are human, we are doing the best we can, and that we can learn from past decisions and grow. Showing this compassion to oneself can help one accept and move past the regret.
The power of self-compassion is not just an idea — it’s very real and actually manifests in our bodies. When we soothe our own pain we are tapping into the mammalian care-giving system. And one important way the care-giving system works is by triggering the release of oxytocin. Research indicates that increased levels of oxytocin strongly increase feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness, and facilitates the ability to feel warmth and compassion for ourselves. Because thoughts and emotions have the same effect on our bodies whether they’re directed to ourselves or to others, this research suggests that self-compassion may be a powerful trigger for the release of oxytocin.
Self-criticism on the other hand appears to have a very different effect on our body. The amygdala is the oldest part of the brain, and was designed to quickly detect threats in the environment. When we experience a threatening situation, the fight-or-flight response is triggered: The amygdala sends signals that increases blood pressure, adrenaline, and the hormone cortisol, mobilising the strength and energy needed to confront or avoid a threat. And although this system was designed by evolution to deal with physical attacks, it is activated just as readily by emotional attacks-by ourselves or others.
When we soothe our painful feelings with the healing balm of self-compassion, not only are we changing our mental and emotional experience, we’re also changing our body chemistry. An effective aspect of self-compassion practice, therefore, is to tap into our body’s self-healing system through physical sensations.
This also closely ties in with the work of psychologist William James and what’s know as the James-Lange theory. According to this theory, external stimulus leads to a physiological response. Our emotional reaction depends on how we interpret those physical reactions. The converse also works and that’s where the brilliance of this work lies… So if I want to feel happy then I must act happy.. And the fact of acting happy would end up making me feel happy…..
Eckhart Tolle is perhaps correct when he tells us that if we “Get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” Inside is where our love waits for us.
